You Should Vote for Me
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
I'm Barack Obama! I'm running for president. You should vote for me. I'm a new politician. Remember when M&Ms came out with blue M&Ms and you ran to the store yelling, "Yay! A brand new candy!"? Well, I'm just like that. I'm a brand new politician. I promise hope and change. No politician has ever promised that before. Also, my opponent is not new. I think pretty much everyone agrees he is a very old politician. Also, he might get angry and hit you. I heard that somewhere.
But know what makes me newest and bestest? This is a secret, so you can't tell anyone. Do you promise you'll keep this just between you and me? You promise? Okay, here it is...
I agree with you on everything!
Just you, though. If anyone else with different viewpoints than you thinks I agree with him, then he just read an inartful statement made by my stupid staff who are always screwing things up. I don't want to hurt that guy's feelings, though, so let's keep that I really agree with you on everything between you and me.
With how much I agree with you, you really should vote for me. What? You don't believe me? That makes me sad. Didn't you hear how I'm a new politician? The kind that agrees with you on everything? I'll prove it to you. What's the issue most important to you? Go ahead and say it out loud.
Hey! That the issue most important to me! And what are your views on that issue?
Yeah, that's exactly what I think about that! It's actually a long held belief of mine I will never compromise on. Never. Once again, if you've heard anything to the contrary, it's because my idiot staff must have screwed up some statement or something. I hate that idiot staff. Still, I don't want anyone to feel bad, so I'm not going to make a big fuss about people believing I have a view different than yours. You understand, don't you? That's why when the issue came up for a vote, I voted "Present." But know that my view is really just like yours, so you should vote for me.
So what do you think about the Iraq War?
That's what I think! It's been a long held belief of mine I've never compromised on. Some people have interpreted my view as different than that, but it's really been just what you said all this time. It's so great we agree on everything! Aren't you going to love voting for me?
You don't believe me yet? But we're so alike! What's your favorite color?
Wow! That's my favorite color! If you read somewhere that my favorite color was something other than that one, that's once again just my stupid staff screwing things up. Oh! I hate my staff so much! They're always making it seem like I don't agree with you! But I totally do agree with you and you should vote for me.
Aren't you so excited to have a politician who agrees with you on everything? Won't it be great voting for me? I'm a new politician. I bring hope and change and viewpoints exactly like yours. But, once again, we need to keep that last part secret. We don't want my newness scaring people away. So, I hope you'll vote for me and not for that McCain who disagrees with you on stuff. What a stupid, old politician. But don't tell him I said that; he might hit me.
Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois who has many firmly held beliefs and loves play with those rubber super bouncy balls. Those bounce crazy!