Preparedness parody

Don't remember where I found this, but it's funny.

You might be too concerned with preparedness if...

- You can't put your groceries in the trunk of the car because its already jammed full with emergency kits, first aid supplies, and fully-stocked Bugout Bags.
- You have emergency rations for your pets, and view your pets as potential emergency rations.
- You know the news three days before it hits the mass media.
- You have back-up plans for your back-up plans.
- You're convinced you've been exposed to so many chem-trails, you consider it a form of birth control.
- You've ever repressed the urge to bleat "BAAAAAAAAAH" as your neighbor earnestly asks, "What war? Where?"
- You've ever bought antibiotics for human use through a vet, or grains for human consumption through a feed store.
- You save dryer lint to make fire starters.
- Your most commonly-used fuel additive is 'Sta-Bil', instead of 'Gumout'.
- You automatically choose the heavy duty flatbed cart upon entering Sam's Club or COSTCO.
- If you know the shelf life of tuna fish, but don't know how long you've had an open jar of mayo in the frig.
- Your basement walls are insulated with crates of toilet paper, from floor to ceiling, all the way around.
- While other people are saving money for new furniture, or vacations, you are desperately saving to get solar panels put on your house.
- You were excited beyond all reason when they came out with cheddar cheese in a can.
- You've ever served MREs at a dinner party.
- You've ever considered digging an escape tunnel from your basement to the nearest stand of trees.
- You know how to use a vacuum cleaner in reverse to filter air in your designated bio-chem attack safe room.
- You've ever considered buying an above-ground pool for water storage purposes.
- You know what things like '*****', 'BOB' and 'TEOTWAWKI' mean.
- You have different grades of BOBs.
- You know the names, family histories, locations, and degree of readiness of over a thousand fellow doomers on the net... but you've never met your neighbors.
- The best radio in the house is a wind-up.
- You have better items in storage than you use every day.
- When the ****, you would eat better than you eat now.
- Local food pantries have come to depend on donations from your larder when you rotate stock in the spring and fall.
- You're still using up your Y2K supplies.
- You have enough army surplus equipment to open a store.
- The local army surplus store owner knows you by your first name.
- You fill up when your gas tank is 3/4 full.
- You call Rubber Maid for wholesale prices.
- Bert from 'Tremors' is your favorite movie character.
- You carry a pocket survival kit, a sturdy folding knife, a SureFire flashlight and a small concealed handgun on you to church every Sunday.
- You start panicking when you are down to 50 rolls of toilet paper.
- You keep a small notebook to write down any edible plants you happen to see along the road.
- You shop yard sales, store sales, and markdown racks for barter goods for after *****.
- You own a hand-operated clothes washer and a non-electric carpet sweeper.
- You have at least two of every size of Dutch oven, and 20 bags of charcoal, although you have a gas grill. - You have rain barrels at each corner of your house, although you have a city water hookup, and a Big Berkey to purify the water.
- You have sapphire lights, survival whistle, and a Swiss Army knife on every family member's key chain.
- The people in line at Costco ask you if you run a store or restaurant.
- You require a shovel to rotate all your preps properly.
- You no longer go the the doctor's because you can either fix it yourself, make it at home, or know and understand the Physician's Desk Reference better than he does, and can get the goods at the vets or pet store for much less moolah anyway.
- You know that a 'GPS' has nothing to do with the economy.
- You track your preps on a computer spreadsheet for easy reordering, but have hard copies in a 3-ring binder 'just in case'.
- You've thought about where the hordes can be stopped before entering town.
- You start evaluating people according to 'skill sets'.
- You view the nearest conservation area as a potential grocery store if *****.
- You know all the ways out the building where you work.
- You have enough pasta stockpiled in your basement to carbo-load all the runners in the New York marathon.
- You know that you have 36 gallons of extra drinking water in the hot water tank and your two toilet tanks.
- You know which bugs are edible.
- You have a hand pump on your well.
- You know where the best defensive positions and lines of fire are on your property.
- You've made a range card for your neighborhood.
- The Ranger Handbook is your favorite 'self help' book.
- You must move 50 cases of food for the plumber to get to that leaky pipe, but you have your own hand truck in the basement to do it.
- You have more 55gal blue water drums than family members.
- You have a backup generator for your backup generator, which is a backup for your solar system.
- You have ever given SPAM as a serious gift.
You've had your eye out for a good deal for a stainless steel handgun to conceal in the bottom of the magazine rack next to the toilet.
- You've made bugout cargo packs for your dogs.
- You have a walking stick with all sorts of gadgets hidden inside.
- As a stand-in scoutmaster, you taught your son's troop to set mantraps and punji pits, and haven't been asked to stand in since.
- You're on your fifth vacuum sealer, but you keep at least one of the worn out ones because you can still seal up plastic bags with it.
- You haven't bought dried fruit in years, but you buy fresh bananas, apples, peaches and pears by the case and have three dehydrators.
- Your UPS man hates you because of all the cases of ammo he's had to lug from his truck to your front door.
- You have duplicates of all your electronics gear, solar panels and generator parts in your EMP-shielded fallout shelter.
- When the power goes out in your neighborhood, all the neighbor's kids come over to your place to watch TV on generator power.
- You must open the door to your pantry very carefully for fear of a canned goods avalanche.
- You've learned to knap flint, make twine from plant fibers for snares and use an atlatl, because you fear that all of your preps and hard work will be confiscated by FEMA troops or destroyed by earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear blasts, ravening hordes of feral sheeple or reptiloids from 'Planet X' after *****.